My Family

So when a dog does, a part of me dies. Even though at the same time a part of the dog lives on inside of me. Still, I feel empty and hollow and I don’t know how to deal with it. Since I don’t really have an after-life belief system, either, I’m not sure where they go, though I do have my ideas.

Anyway, where I’m going with this is that all my life I’ve really avoided getting close to people. I’ve had trust issues with people. Haven’t really trusted those who were trustworthy in the past, instead I’ve trusted those who were not trustworthy. Though I think that I’ve changed in that regard now, it’s still hard for me to get close to fellow humans. It’s always been easier for me to get close to dogs. And so the main support network I have in my life is that of my very short-lived dogs.

And so when they leave me, I’m pretty crushed. Though now I’m at a place in my life where I can finally trust people more, get close to people more, which is a good thing. And most of my life I’ve really denied the thought that I need people, and dogs, to rely on as close friends and family.

And I’m so worried about Levi. He’ll be 12 in just about a month. And sometimes I think that my entire world of sanity is balanced on his life. Which is way too much to ask any creature to endure, I know. Even though he gets extra attention now, which he really loves.

So I guess where I’m getting to with this is that today I had some sore of revelation. That it’s natural to love these creatures in our lives. And it’s so sad when they have to leave us. It’s just a natural part of life and it’s okay to love completely. I’ve avoided loving completely, because it means that when the object of your love is gone, then live is just about over and being crushed and miserable sets in. But it’s okay to have both, isn’t it? To love completely and still go on living. It’s natural and normal. Guess it took me a long time to realize this. But I have always loved my dogs completely, without reservation, unconditionally, just as they love me. They are so much easier than humans. So very much easier to love and live with.

I’ve been sick the last few days and feeling pretty rotten. I know it’s a combination of having too many losses, stress, catching some nasty cold, and also this underlying virus that I think I carry with me all the time. It all adds up, dangit. But today, or at least right now, I can look at our little graveyard of ashes in our cabinet that I have set up, and find a little bit more peace. At least for a while.

So I have to get back to the normal aspects of life. Missing those I’ve lost. Settling into a new life with the ones who are still alive. Maybe I’m a nut, I dunno. Maybe I just need a Steripen Adventurer Opti water filter to keep myself healthy… oh, and I joined Weight Watchers, to drop these awful pounds I’ve put on in the last couple of years. Still gotta take care of myself, eat healthy, and love completely the family I have with me still. And try to come to realize it’s okay to love completely, as well as lose completely. And still be okay.

And then we lost Littles, too. And last year we lost Angel. It all comes in waves, when you don’t space your animal’s ages out well and they get old at the same time. Though really we didn’t think of spacing them out, we just fell in love with them and took them home. Though now we are not fostering for rescue, and so when I get a dog or a cat, I put a lot of thought into it. We won’t be getting another dog for a couple of years. And I don’t think we’ll be getting any more cats, and we just can’t give them the lives they deserve.

And so life goes on. Not putting a picture in this post, because it’s too sad for me to put one of Angel, Lucy or Littles. And of course Kip and Jackie are always in my heart, too. Kip died in 2000, and Jackie when I was a teenager.

They are a part of me forever. I feel like an Immortal from Highlander. My loved ones dying as I live on. If they could think about it, maybe they would think I was immortal too. But I’m not. Just longer lived than the furkids I love so much.

Yeah, my husband and I would count dogs to make sure we had them all around. Home safe. Not getting out or running amok.

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I think I am coming to terms with losing Lucy. I’m still very sad, and last night cried again in bed before I went to sleep. I miss her so much. I wish that I could have put her in a bed, given her meds, and kept her around like I would have kept a person around. But dogs don’t work that way… and seriously, it’d be nice if we could put people out of their misery, too. Lucy was miserable. It was her time to go. I just still miss her so much.

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Today we took a trip to the desert to let the dogs run. It was a short trip. Long drive, about 45 minutes, and it was too hot to let the dogs run for too long. But they did have fun.   Levi isn’t very strong anymore and can’t go very far. I sure hope he’s okay when we go to camp.  I will take it slow for him, give him what he needs, and sit around on the beach of Lake Tahoe all day if we need too.  Which, really, won’t make me sad at all, sitting on the beach all day!

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I am trying out a new gallery, too, so above are the thumbnails. Though I’m not quite so sure how it works, yet, and I may just add the images individually too.

Lucy, Levi and Angel 2002

Lucy’s death day is Wednesday. I made the appointment. At this moment I’m not crying, but in five minutes I might be again. I’ve been going through old pictures looking at Lucy, Levi and Angel. Angel left us in May 2010. I am so upset that time goes by so fast. The next thing I know, 10 years will have passed and Lucy will have been gone for 10 years… just like Kip has been gone for 11 years now. Oh my, not good things to think about, eh? I remember thinking, years ago, as I lay on my bed one day, that I had all three young healthy dogs… Lucy, Levi and Angel. And now Angel is gone, Lucy is going, and Levi better be around for a couple more years or I’ll have a nervous breakdown.

About the picture, our front room no longer looks like that. That was when we had carpet (see the stains, lol), and the couch upstairs. Now we have tile and the couch and TV are downstairs. Though we might move them back up again so Levi doesn’t have to do the stairs. He’s getting too old for stairs and it seems to bother him sometimes. Levi is 11.5.

I always worry about forgetting the dogs too much after they die. But yesterday I realized that, even if my memory is poor and I don’t remember all the little details, I will never forget them with my heart. And I’ll always remember how they feel inside me. As they will always be with me in a way. Even as they take a big chunk of my heart with them.

I don’t usually combine different topics in one post but I have to temper Lucy’s pending death with a good note about Jet and agility. I looked him up on the AKC website today, and his AX and AXJ show, and so do his MACH points. Yay! I love that the AKC lets us see those online for free. I’ll post the pictures here below. My first MACH points with any dog, ever.

Below is a picture of our front room after we remodeled it, but there’s nice pictures up now. I just wanted a pic of the 3 smooth blue collies, and my husband is there too. Lucy is, of course, on the table. She always stood on the table to block our view of the TV when she wanted attention. LOL

Lucy on the Table

And here is Jet’s AX and AXJ. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, as it’s kinda a side note that I hope will happen in December 2012. But as it stands now, Jet has qualified for the AKC Agility Invitationals. So as long as 5 other Danish-Swedish Farmdogs don’t start doing AKC Agility and beat us out, we should be able to go. I sure hope so. But… I do want to go and be competitive, and not just go because we are the only dog of our breed who qualified. Though if that’s how we get in, I’ll take it, and I won’t complain! LOL

Jet's AKC Titles To Date

Jet’s qualification to the AKC Agility Invitationals:

Jet AKC Invitationals

Sweet Angel

Over the years we got her healthy, maybe a bit chubby, and gave her lots of love. I remember chasing her around the house when she had a sock. She ran slowly, but the look of sheer joy on her face was priceless. I miss chasing her around the house. I miss holding her and loving her and being with her. It’s weird to think that she no longer exists in this world. Sometimes I count the dogs and I know that one is missing. Sometimes I expect to see her, feel her, know she’s around.

This is a cute, typical picture of her, up top. She could never curl up on her own, her body wasn’t built very well. But she loved to snuggle in beds, and some other terror collie (Tatum, lol) chewed a nice hole in that couch. Angel liked to take advantage of it until we took the couch to the dumb.

I miss you Angel. Someday I hope to see you again. Until then, I hope you are cruising around whatever existence you are in, enjoying yourself completely. I love you Angel.

Lovely Angel

Four Pups

I’ve been looking at old pictures lately… I have my Macbook set up to use my photo folders as my screen saver. It’s a dangerous thing… because I can just sit and watch it for hours. Well maybe not hours, but for a good long time that’s for sure.

Makes me think about term life insurance and getting old and stuff. Especially since many of the pictures have Angel in them. And yeah I still cry quite often because she’s gone and I’ll never see her in this life again. It still makes me sad. Though I know she’s not in pain anymore. And I have to remember her when she was alive and happy and full of life.

Anyway, so this picture is of me and my husband and the four we had at the time… Lucy, Levi, Angel and Chase. Boy did Chase look out of place with the three smooth blue collies. LOL. Now we have more different breeds so he fits in a bit better.

Angel

I just want to say, it’s my blog and I can cry if I want to. Yes, I am still mourning Angel, and I still miss her a lot. I just loaded up these last pictures of her that were on my camera.

This was when her eye was still working.  Three days before she died.  My heart is still heavy and sore with her loss.  Though my husband and I have talked about her, remembering all the good things. Like when she would warm up like a motor boat down the hallway when the neighbor would drag their garbage can down the driveway, and she would get outside and bark at them. Or at the garage door.  She would always bark at those two things. Silly girl.

She loved pig ears and she loved walks and camping. She was so scared when we first got her, but she grew and became more and more confident all the time. I still miss her every day.

Jet's Play Moves

Well, I’m getting better, though it’s slow going. I was kinda manic yesterday, different than my depression I’ve had for the last week since we put Angel down. Jet makes me laugh, he is such a goof. This is him making play moves towards his new German Shepherd friend Lenka, who is not in the photo, but really should be. She came from Slovakia in her Mom’s belly, and was born in Texas. Both of them are from far, far away!

I did agility last weekend with Chase, too. Haven’t had the gumption to post any videos yet. I also entered Tatum in prenovice again, she did really well! I have video of her too I need to get up. She is doing well, though she was a bit nervous.

So life goes on, even though Angel has died. So sad. I will miss her for the rest of my life and I hope she is flying free somewhere having a great old time. I do believe something happens after death, I just don’t know what it is. Someday I will find out… we all find out eventually.

So I better get back to looking for some cheap insurance companies so we will have car insurance for our trip to Denmark in June! Ack, it’s coming up so fast!