It’s been a month since Levi died, I still miss him terribly, and it’s interesting to watch how our pack dynamics have changed. We only have four dogs now, down from our high of seven. Four dogs is like having hardly any dogs at all. The biggest change I think has been Chase. He’s the oldest now (8.5 years), and he has space issues with dogs he doesn’t know. He will attack without warning when we go out and he’s… Continue reading
My sweet Lucy girl didn’t make it to 13. She died last August, 2011, when she was just twelve and a half years old. I still miss her every day. She was one of those dogs who I swear was going to be around forever, so losing her was really hard on me. Lucy was a good girl and had a great attitude. She was stubborn and knew she wanted things her way. She loved food and would do anything… Continue reading
My Family
So when a dog does, a part of me dies. Even though at the same time a part of the dog lives on inside of me. Still, I feel empty and hollow and I don’t know how to deal with it. Since I don’t really have an after-life belief system, either, I’m not sure where they go, though I do have my ideas.
Anyway, where I’m going with this is that all my life I’ve really avoided getting close to people. I’ve had trust issues with people. Haven’t really trusted those who were trustworthy in the past, instead I’ve trusted those who were not trustworthy. Though I think that I’ve changed in that regard now, it’s still hard for me to get close to fellow humans. It’s always been easier for me to get close to dogs. And so the main support network I have in my life is that of my very short-lived dogs.
And so when they leave me, I’m pretty crushed. Though now I’m at a place in my life where I can finally trust people more, get close to people more, which is a good thing. And most of my life I’ve really denied the thought that I need people, and dogs, to rely on as close friends and family.
And I’m so worried about Levi. He’ll be 12 in just about a month. And sometimes I think that my entire world of sanity is balanced on his life. Which is way too much to ask any creature to endure, I know. 
Even though he gets extra attention now, which he really loves.
So I guess where I’m getting to with this is that today I had some sore of revelation. That it’s natural to love these creatures in our lives. And it’s so sad when they have to leave us. It’s just a natural part of life and it’s okay to love completely. I’ve avoided loving completely, because it means that when the object of your love is gone, then live is just about over and being crushed and miserable sets in. But it’s okay to have both, isn’t it? To love completely and still go on living. It’s natural and normal. Guess it took me a long time to realize this. But I have always loved my dogs completely, without reservation, unconditionally, just as they love me. They are so much easier than humans. So very much easier to love and live with.
I’ve been sick the last few days and feeling pretty rotten. I know it’s a combination of having too many losses, stress, catching some nasty cold, and also this underlying virus that I think I carry with me all the time. It all adds up, dangit. But today, or at least right now, I can look at our little graveyard of ashes in our cabinet that I have set up, and find a little bit more peace. At least for a while.
So I have to get back to the normal aspects of life. Missing those I’ve lost. Settling into a new life with the ones who are still alive. Maybe I’m a nut, I dunno. Maybe I just need a Steripen Adventurer Opti water filter to keep myself healthy… oh, and I joined Weight Watchers, to drop these awful pounds I’ve put on in the last couple of years. Still gotta take care of myself, eat healthy, and love completely the family I have with me still. And try to come to realize it’s okay to love completely, as well as lose completely. And still be okay.
Well, I removed Lucy’s picture from the top of the blog. And in the sidebar, I put her under In Loving Memory. Too very sad. I am not crying as much now, but still once in a while I just am still in shock that she’s gone.
And then we lost Littles, too. And last year we lost Angel. It all comes in waves, when you don’t space your animal’s ages out well and they get old at the same time. Though really we didn’t think of spacing them out, we just fell in love with them and took them home. Though now we are not fostering for rescue, and so when I get a dog or a cat, I put a lot of thought into it. We won’t be getting another dog for a couple of years. And I don’t think we’ll be getting any more cats, and we just can’t give them the lives they deserve.
And so life goes on. Not putting a picture in this post, because it’s too sad for me to put one of Angel, Lucy or Littles. And of course Kip and Jackie are always in my heart, too. Kip died in 2000, and Jackie when I was a teenager.
They are a part of me forever. I feel like an Immortal from Highlander. My loved ones dying as I live on. If they could think about it, maybe they would think I was immortal too. But I’m not. Just longer lived than the furkids I love so much.
Tatum and Jet
Levi has been before, but Tatum and Jet haven’t. I’m leaving Chase home this time because he’s a bit grumpy with other dogs. Tatum is going to LOVE camp, she’ll be in doggie heaven with all the other dogs there. Jet is going to have fun, too. Levi and me will take it easy and sit on the beach while the young kids play.
I’ll bring my video camera and my DSLR, maybe a bluetooth barcode scanner for when I hit the stores for some shopping.
I hope to blog while I’m there, we’ll see how it goes. That reminds me, I need to clean off my hard drive on my Mac and spare up some room for pictures and video.
I’m still hurting a lot about Lucy, but maybe camp will help me recover a bit. I do hope so.
Parley's Nature Preserve
Well, it’s been a week and a half since Lucy passed away. And I am having one heck of a bad time getting over losing her. I don’t think I had this hard a time when Angel died. However, the husband reminds me that back then I was on Zoloft for anxiety. And that numbed all my emotions. And I went off that a year ago, because of side effects I didn’t like, and so now I get to feel the full slam of all my stupid emotions all the time. It sucks. But, I guess that’s just life. I just wasn’t ready to let her go.
Also, I’ve been just looking past too much, wondering where all the years have gone. I’m so worried about Levi, too, now, though my rational mind thinks he is doing pretty good. I’m taking him to a holistic type doctor to see if she can help him stay strong as long as possible, too. The regular vets are fine, but usually just give you the typical rymadil and narcotics and steroids for things. Hopefully this other vet will give him a bit of extra.
Levi is my heart dog. I really hope he lives 2 more years. I can retire in Aug 2013. Because I know that I’ll be a wreck when Levi dies, and if I have to actually perform at work, I really, honestly don’t know if I’ll be able to for a while. I don’t handle death, or extreme emotions, very well at all. Ugh. I feel like I’ve been bleeding all over the internet and Facebook, so I’ve been making a huge effort not to whine and cry about her too much. I did find a great website, Pet Loss, where people can go and brood over lost pets. I have been chatting online there, which has helped me a bit, I think.
Today I took Levi, Tatum and Jet to Parley’s Nature Preserve. It’s the only off leash park I like to go to. Our round-trip walk was 1.75 miles, I measured it with my phone. I also lost my fitbit… which is my fancy pedometer. That sucks, since it was $99 and I really can’t afford another one. Oh well, I guess I just can’t see how many steps I take anymore. Things are just things, anyway. What really matters is my family and friends. Both groups include my dogs. I realized that years ago when Lucy and Levi were very young and chewed many things up. After a while, I just stopped really caring about the things, and caring about the dogs.
Below are some more pictures. I am taking many more pictures of Levi, now, because I don’t have enough of Angel or Lucy. I have a ton of Jet, though. LOL. He is just so darn photogenic.
Running at the Park
Tatum and Levi
Jet in the Water
I stopped on the way home and got some yarn so I can knit some dark black socks. I’ve been having a bit of a knitting bug lately. I didn’t get any kmart coupons, though. I like the local yarn store, what a fun place that would be to work when I retire.
It’s strange, still, to only have five dogs now. It’s actually been strange to have had only six. Since Angel passed on in May 2010, I still kept trying to count for seven dogs. I hadn’t gotten used to six. And now I’m going to have to count for five dogs only.
Yeah, my husband and I would count dogs to make sure we had them all around. Home safe. Not getting out or running amok.
[singlepic id=1037 w=320 h=240 float=center]
I think I am coming to terms with losing Lucy. I’m still very sad, and last night cried again in bed before I went to sleep. I miss her so much. I wish that I could have put her in a bed, given her meds, and kept her around like I would have kept a person around. But dogs don’t work that way… and seriously, it’d be nice if we could put people out of their misery, too. Lucy was miserable. It was her time to go. I just still miss her so much.
[singlepic id=1035 w=320 h=240 float=center]
Today we took a trip to the desert to let the dogs run. It was a short trip. Long drive, about 45 minutes, and it was too hot to let the dogs run for too long. But they did have fun. Levi isn’t very strong anymore and can’t go very far. I sure hope he’s okay when we go to camp. I will take it slow for him, give him what he needs, and sit around on the beach of Lake Tahoe all day if we need too. Which, really, won’t make me sad at all, sitting on the beach all day!
[nggallery id=26]
I am trying out a new gallery, too, so above are the thumbnails. Though I’m not quite so sure how it works, yet, and I may just add the images individually too.
Lucy's 12th Birthday
Though she still wanted to eat, and she was still stubborn to the last day. She never let anything really get her down. I think she was going on pure stubbornness there at the end.
My husband is really the one who realized it was time to let her go. I was fighting it… like I fought and denied Kip, back in 2000, needed to go. Kip died on his own in our back yard, but he wasn’t even as bad as Lucy had gotten. Or Angel, back in May 2010. Tuesday night, I was crying and crying and just didn’t want to let Lucy go, and Aaron told me about his Mom, and how he thought she was in pain before she died, and he didn’t want Lucy to be in pain too. And that made me realize that it was Lucy’s time. Aaron has been a rock for me, so good to me about it all. He’s hurting too, but he is so amazing, I’m lucky to have him in my life.
But yesterday I was a mess, and had some Rum, to numb the pain a little bit. It actually helped. And I had donuts and pizza, too, because that’s a good diet for greif, I think. Even though I realize it was Lucy’s time to go, I still miss her terribly, and this is going to take me a while to get through, I think. I am giving myself the time. Because I have to care for myself too, now, I think. And the dogs that are still alive.
The rest of the dogs seem to not really notice. Jet and Tatum, Muffit and Chase are the same. Levi might seem a bit off. Levi came with, to make sure he knew Lucy was gone. There was a time Levi was more bonded to Lucy than he was to me. But after I started doing agility with Levi, he bonded to me more. But still, she was his big sister and he loved her. So I don’t know if he understands or not, but hopefully somehow he does. Maybe we just have a lot of dogs, but the ones that stay alive don’t seem to really be affected when one leaves. And Lucy was not herself anymore, she was not a big presences anymore, and so she just kinda faded away.
I am heart broken, also, because losing Lucy is like the end of an era. She was the oldest. She was the cornerstone of the blue pack. I realized that I have broken the dogs into two packs. Lucy, Levi and Angel, the smooth blue collies we have had the longest. Then the other pack, Chase, Muffit, Tatum and Jet. I don’t know why, maybe I just categorize things. But now, of the blue pack, we only have Levi left, and when he goes, I may just have a nervous break down and have to go into the hospital, I will be so miserable.
Also, Lucy was 12 years old. How can 12 years have gone by so quickly? Did I do enough with her? I did some agility, but she didn’t like it. I did some obedience, she got her CD and her RA. But then she started to limp, back in 2006, and none of the doctors could figure out why. Maybe we didn’t do enough to keep her healthy. I just don’t know. I hope she had a good life. I will worry about that for a long time.
So anyway, she’s gone, and my heart is broken. I am still crying a lot, and probably will for a long while. I love you Lucy. I will miss you forever.
| Join the DSFUSA email list for dog webinars, for all breeds and mixes!! |
