Lucy

Lucy was a good girl and had a great attitude. She was stubborn and knew she wanted things her way. She loved food and would do anything for a treat. Though when the treats were gone, she didn’t have much interest in working. But I was able to get an ASCA-CD on her and an AKC Rally Advanced Titles. She didn’t much like agility. She wasn’t built very well and had a hard time jumping. And she developed a strange limp when she was about seven years old. None of the vets we took her to could figure it out.

When she was nine she developed megaesophagus and we had to feed her upright in her chair. But she didn’t seem to mind as long as she got to eat. And she ate three of four times a day, which she really liked!

I have collie things all over the house, smooth collie things, to remind me of the collies. I love them so very much. I even have a switchplate cover of smooth collies, and I do think those kids switchplate covers are fun too. I wonder if I can make up customized ones… I’m going to have to look into that, because I love pictures of the dogs all over the house.

I adored Lucy and will always miss her. I wish our dogs could live so much longer and stay with us. The house is much quieter without our lovely Lucy.

Upstairs

Levi is having a harder and harder time of going up stairs, so today we finally moved the TV upstairs. Looking at my pictures, we were upstairs in Dec of 2005, and then downstairs in Jan of 2006… so yup, it’s been about 5 years. Wow, too weird.

Anyway, here’s some pictures of our upstairs before and after the TV. It’s a 42″ Vizio plasma. We got it probably in November of 2005ish. Or maybe it was 2006. Yeah, I’m still in past mode lately, all still sad that Lucy has died, and living in the past and all my memories. Ugh. But anyway, I’m glad I have pictures, or I wouldn’t remember when a darn thing happened.

Here are some more pictures of the upstairs, new and improved… well, not really. LOL.

With the TV

Unfortunately, we don’t want to move the couch upstairs… so we’ll have to see if the chair will be enough to keep us comfortable.

Tatum under the TV

I am thinking maybe the dogs can all learn to lay on the floor, but my husband thinks I’m dreaming. LOL

The Chair

Tatum and Jet

Levi has been before, but Tatum and Jet haven’t. I’m leaving Chase home this time because he’s a bit grumpy with other dogs. Tatum is going to LOVE camp, she’ll be in doggie heaven with all the other dogs there. Jet is going to have fun, too. Levi and me will take it easy and sit on the beach while the young kids play.

I’ll bring my video camera and my DSLR, maybe a bluetooth barcode scanner for when I hit the stores for some shopping.

I hope to blog while I’m there, we’ll see how it goes. That reminds me, I need to clean off my hard drive on my Mac and spare up some room for pictures and video.

I’m still hurting a lot about Lucy, but maybe camp will help me recover a bit. I do hope so.

Parley's Nature Preserve

Well, it’s been a week and a half since Lucy passed away.  And I am having one heck of a bad time getting over losing her.  I don’t think I had this hard a time when Angel died. However, the husband reminds me that back then I was on Zoloft for anxiety.  And that numbed all my emotions. And I went off that a year ago, because of side effects I didn’t like, and so now I get to feel the full slam of all my stupid emotions all the time.  It sucks.  But, I guess that’s just life.  I just wasn’t ready to let her go.

Also, I’ve been just looking past too much, wondering where all the years have gone. I’m so worried about Levi, too, now, though my rational mind thinks he is doing pretty good. I’m taking him to a holistic type doctor to see if she can help him stay strong as long as possible, too. The regular vets are fine, but usually just give you the typical rymadil and narcotics and steroids for things.  Hopefully this other vet will give him a bit of extra.

Levi is my heart dog. I really hope he lives 2 more years. I can retire in Aug 2013.  Because I know that I’ll be a wreck when Levi dies, and if I have to actually perform at work, I really, honestly don’t know if I’ll be able to for a while.  I don’t handle death, or extreme emotions, very well at all.  Ugh. I feel like I’ve been bleeding all over the internet and Facebook, so I’ve been making a huge effort not to whine and cry about her too much. I did find a great website, Pet Loss, where people can go and brood over lost pets. I have been chatting online there, which has helped me a bit, I think.

Today I took Levi, Tatum and Jet to Parley’s Nature Preserve. It’s the only off leash park I like to go to. Our round-trip walk was 1.75 miles, I measured it with my phone. I also lost my fitbit… which is my fancy pedometer. That sucks, since it was $99 and I really can’t afford another one. Oh well, I guess I just can’t see how many steps I take anymore. Things are just things, anyway. What really matters is my family and friends.  Both groups include my dogs. I realized that years ago when Lucy and Levi were very young and chewed many things up. After a while, I just stopped really caring about the things, and caring about the dogs. 

Below are some more pictures. I am taking many more pictures of Levi, now, because I don’t have enough of Angel or Lucy. I have a ton of Jet, though. LOL. He is just so darn photogenic.

Running at the Park

Tatum and Levi

Jet in the Water

I stopped on the way home and got some yarn so I can knit some dark black socks. I’ve been having a bit of a knitting bug lately. I didn’t get any kmart coupons, though. I like the local yarn store, what a fun place that would be to work when I retire.

Yeah, my husband and I would count dogs to make sure we had them all around. Home safe. Not getting out or running amok.

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I think I am coming to terms with losing Lucy. I’m still very sad, and last night cried again in bed before I went to sleep. I miss her so much. I wish that I could have put her in a bed, given her meds, and kept her around like I would have kept a person around. But dogs don’t work that way… and seriously, it’d be nice if we could put people out of their misery, too. Lucy was miserable. It was her time to go. I just still miss her so much.

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Today we took a trip to the desert to let the dogs run. It was a short trip. Long drive, about 45 minutes, and it was too hot to let the dogs run for too long. But they did have fun.   Levi isn’t very strong anymore and can’t go very far. I sure hope he’s okay when we go to camp.  I will take it slow for him, give him what he needs, and sit around on the beach of Lake Tahoe all day if we need too.  Which, really, won’t make me sad at all, sitting on the beach all day!

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I am trying out a new gallery, too, so above are the thumbnails. Though I’m not quite so sure how it works, yet, and I may just add the images individually too.

Lucy's 12th Birthday

Though she still wanted to eat, and she was still stubborn to the last day. She never let anything really get her down. I think she was going on pure stubbornness there at the end.

My husband is really the one who realized it was time to let her go. I was fighting it… like I fought and denied Kip, back in 2000, needed to go. Kip died on his own in our back yard, but he wasn’t even as bad as Lucy had gotten. Or Angel, back in May 2010. Tuesday night, I was crying and crying and just didn’t want to let Lucy go, and Aaron told me about his Mom, and how he thought she was in pain before she died, and he didn’t want Lucy to be in pain too. And that made me realize that it was Lucy’s time. Aaron has been a rock for me, so good to me about it all. He’s hurting too, but he is so amazing, I’m lucky to have him in my life.

But yesterday I was a mess, and had some Rum, to numb the pain a little bit. It actually helped. And I had donuts and pizza, too, because that’s a good diet for greif, I think. Even though I realize it was Lucy’s time to go, I still miss her terribly, and this is going to take me a while to get through, I think. I am giving myself the time. Because I have to care for myself too, now, I think. And the dogs that are still alive.

The rest of the dogs seem to not really notice. Jet and Tatum, Muffit and Chase are the same. Levi might seem a bit off. Levi came with, to make sure he knew Lucy was gone. There was a time Levi was more bonded to Lucy than he was to me. But after I started doing agility with Levi, he bonded to me more. But still, she was his big sister and he loved her. So I don’t know if he understands or not, but hopefully somehow he does. Maybe we just have a lot of dogs, but the ones that stay alive don’t seem to really be affected when one leaves. And Lucy was not herself anymore, she was not a big presences anymore, and so she just kinda faded away.

I am heart broken, also, because losing Lucy is like the end of an era. She was the oldest. She was the cornerstone of the blue pack. I realized that I have broken the dogs into two packs. Lucy, Levi and Angel, the smooth blue collies we have had the longest. Then the other pack, Chase, Muffit, Tatum and Jet. I don’t know why, maybe I just categorize things. But now, of the blue pack, we only have Levi left, and when he goes, I may just have a nervous break down and have to go into the hospital, I will be so miserable.

Also, Lucy was 12 years old. How can 12 years have gone by so quickly? Did I do enough with her? I did some agility, but she didn’t like it. I did some obedience, she got her CD and her RA. But then she started to limp, back in 2006, and none of the doctors could figure out why. Maybe we didn’t do enough to keep her healthy. I just don’t know. I hope she had a good life. I will worry about that for a long time.

So anyway, she’s gone, and my heart is broken. I am still crying a lot, and probably will for a long while. I love you Lucy. I will miss you forever.

Lucy, Levi and Angel 2002

Lucy’s death day is Wednesday. I made the appointment. At this moment I’m not crying, but in five minutes I might be again. I’ve been going through old pictures looking at Lucy, Levi and Angel. Angel left us in May 2010. I am so upset that time goes by so fast. The next thing I know, 10 years will have passed and Lucy will have been gone for 10 years… just like Kip has been gone for 11 years now. Oh my, not good things to think about, eh? I remember thinking, years ago, as I lay on my bed one day, that I had all three young healthy dogs… Lucy, Levi and Angel. And now Angel is gone, Lucy is going, and Levi better be around for a couple more years or I’ll have a nervous breakdown.

About the picture, our front room no longer looks like that. That was when we had carpet (see the stains, lol), and the couch upstairs. Now we have tile and the couch and TV are downstairs. Though we might move them back up again so Levi doesn’t have to do the stairs. He’s getting too old for stairs and it seems to bother him sometimes. Levi is 11.5.

I always worry about forgetting the dogs too much after they die. But yesterday I realized that, even if my memory is poor and I don’t remember all the little details, I will never forget them with my heart. And I’ll always remember how they feel inside me. As they will always be with me in a way. Even as they take a big chunk of my heart with them.

I don’t usually combine different topics in one post but I have to temper Lucy’s pending death with a good note about Jet and agility. I looked him up on the AKC website today, and his AX and AXJ show, and so do his MACH points. Yay! I love that the AKC lets us see those online for free. I’ll post the pictures here below. My first MACH points with any dog, ever.

Below is a picture of our front room after we remodeled it, but there’s nice pictures up now. I just wanted a pic of the 3 smooth blue collies, and my husband is there too. Lucy is, of course, on the table. She always stood on the table to block our view of the TV when she wanted attention. LOL

Lucy on the Table

And here is Jet’s AX and AXJ. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, as it’s kinda a side note that I hope will happen in December 2012. But as it stands now, Jet has qualified for the AKC Agility Invitationals. So as long as 5 other Danish-Swedish Farmdogs don’t start doing AKC Agility and beat us out, we should be able to go. I sure hope so. But… I do want to go and be competitive, and not just go because we are the only dog of our breed who qualified. Though if that’s how we get in, I’ll take it, and I won’t complain! LOL

Jet's AKC Titles To Date

Jet’s qualification to the AKC Agility Invitationals:

Jet AKC Invitationals

Sweet Lucy

Anyway, then she was diagnosed with Megaesophagus back in 2009. At that time the vet told us that her organs would probably start breaking down. But she has hung in there and done okay since then. My husband made her a Bailey’s Chair and she’s done good with it, keeping her food down and keeping her weight up.

But she’s been losing muscle strength for a long time, now. Muscle mass, yes, and just strength too. When I woke up, I think it was Wednesday morning, her elbow was sticking out at a weird angle. So we took her into the vet on Friday. They said she probably pulled a muscle or something and she doesn’t have the strength to stand much anymore, nor does she really have the capacity to heal. She’s 12.5 years old now. I was really thinking, just a couple of weeks ago, that maybe she really would make 13… but now we are thinking we are going to have to say goodbye to her this week already.

She can’t hardly walk now. She tries to put her weight on legs that will support her, but there really aren’t any legs left that will. She still likes to eat, and her mind seems okay. But her body is failing her. So it’s such a grey zone now. She’s not really healthy enough to be alive, but she’s not really unhealthy enough to be dead… so we really are not sure what to do. But the more I watch her, the more I’m leaning toward letting her go this week.

Of course I’ve been crying off and on for the last couple of days. We can’t do anything until next week, of course. But it’s so sad. Lucy is a link to my past that none of the other dogs have. My old house, my old life before my husband and I were married. When she goes, that link will be completely gone. And I’ve always considered her the cornerstone of our pack. Though she’s very weak now and doesn’t exert much of an influence anymore. Tatum will definitely take over as pack leader. Tatum will be our only girl left….

And we only put Angel down a year ago last May. So that is still fresh too. Ugh. The roughest part of sharing life with a dog I love so much. I letting them go. I love Lucy with all my heart, and I really don’t want her to go away.