Lucy is gone. We let her go yesterday, Wednesday, August 3, 2011, at 8:30 in the morning. Looking at this picture of her, which was taken just this last February on her 12th birthday, I realize how much she had deteriorated just in the last week. But even before that, she was already in pain. She couldn’t stand on her feet anymore, on her pads, like other dogs can. Her feet were all folded over and she’d almost be standing on her hocks. It was like gravity was just pulling her down and down and she no longer had the strength to fight it and stand up straight. But at the same time she couldn’t be comfortable laying down, either. She’d just stand and pant.
Though she still wanted to eat, and she was still stubborn to the last day. She never let anything really get her down. I think she was going on pure stubbornness there at the end.
My husband is really the one who realized it was time to let her go. I was fighting it… like I fought and denied Kip, back in 2000, needed to go. Kip died on his own in our back yard, but he wasn’t even as bad as Lucy had gotten. Or Angel, back in May 2010. Tuesday night, I was crying and crying and just didn’t want to let Lucy go, and Aaron told me about his Mom, and how he thought she was in pain before she died, and he didn’t want Lucy to be in pain too. And that made me realize that it was Lucy’s time. Aaron has been a rock for me, so good to me about it all. He’s hurting too, but he is so amazing, I’m lucky to have him in my life.
But yesterday I was a mess, and had some Rum, to numb the pain a little bit. It actually helped. And I had donuts and pizza, too, because that’s a good diet for greif, I think. 🙂 Even though I realize it was Lucy’s time to go, I still miss her terribly, and this is going to take me a while to get through, I think. I am giving myself the time. Because I have to care for myself too, now, I think. And the dogs that are still alive.
The rest of the dogs seem to not really notice. Jet and Tatum, Muffit and Chase are the same. Levi might seem a bit off. Levi came with, to make sure he knew Lucy was gone. There was a time Levi was more bonded to Lucy than he was to me. But after I started doing agility with Levi, he bonded to me more. But still, she was his big sister and he loved her. So I don’t know if he understands or not, but hopefully somehow he does. Maybe we just have a lot of dogs, but the ones that stay alive don’t seem to really be affected when one leaves. And Lucy was not herself anymore, she was not a big presences anymore, and so she just kinda faded away.
I am heart broken, also, because losing Lucy is like the end of an era. She was the oldest. She was the cornerstone of the blue pack. I realized that I have broken the dogs into two packs. Lucy, Levi and Angel, the smooth blue collies we have had the longest. Then the other pack, Chase, Muffit, Tatum and Jet. I don’t know why, maybe I just categorize things. But now, of the blue pack, we only have Levi left, and when he goes, I may just have a nervous break down and have to go into the hospital, I will be so miserable.
Also, Lucy was 12 years old. How can 12 years have gone by so quickly? Did I do enough with her? I did some agility, but she didn’t like it. I did some obedience, she got her CD and her RA. But then she started to limp, back in 2006, and none of the doctors could figure out why. Maybe we didn’t do enough to keep her healthy. I just don’t know. I hope she had a good life. I will worry about that for a long time.
So anyway, she’s gone, and my heart is broken. I am still crying a lot, and probably will for a long while. I love you Lucy. I will miss you forever.